I'm stuck.

All of my life I've had an idea of what I wanted, where I wanted to live, how I wanted to act... but as of lately, I have been completely clueless. Since August my residency has been in two different apartments, in two different cities, and again I am moving at the end of this month, back to my home in another city. But I don't feel like my home is a 'home' to me at all. I am a complete 180 of my siblings and parents; we have no similarities. When I am at home I don't feel creative, I don't feel artistic. I feel like I'm in a prison (sorry mom).

There's no way to even pin-point why I see things that way, I just do. It's not teen angst or rebellion, I just simply don't find the axis of my existence here. Personally, I thought moving to Salt Lake and being nearer to the one that held my heart would shed some light on this absence. That wasn't it either. I've felt homeless. When you live somewhere for only 3 or 5 months at a time, it's hard to make it feel like your home.

I don't know where to go or how to get to this place that will help me feel complete. I am at a loss. Neither West Haven or Salt Lake is my home. I suppose I just haven't yet found my home or my hearts peacefulness.

What would it take for you to give up everything around you? Think of it. Everything. Good morning kisses, orange and yellow leaves on the ground in the fall, hearing a familiar “hello” on the other line… all of that would be gone. So back to my question, what would it take? Sometimes people give up their lives for a career, give up family for drugs, throw away a love for a chance at success. And who decides if it is right or wrong? No one has the ability or authority to place the blame. None of us. For some, they are filled more with passion and joy when they are finalizing a loan or obtaining a new client.

The success becomes their friends and family; others don’t feel whole without 4 children and a husband running around. I, on the other hand, struggle to find the balance between everything I enjoy. The happy ‘medium’ between family, love, career, hobbies, friends, personal downtime… How many times are you faced with that challenge? It’s a Friday night and on your plate you’ve got: A) A family birthday party B) Your anniversary C) A friends Bachelorette Party D) A work party and E) Your favorite band is in town playing a show. Which do you choose? No matter what the decision someone’s feelings are hurt, someone is left offended. There is no ideal situation and people will still spend their entire lifetime looking for it.

I recently finished reading the book “We All Fall Down” by Nic Sheff, the sequel to “Tweak”. In the book Nic talks about his addiction to methamphetamines and how the only time he feels whole is when he is using; the only time he feels confident is when he is high or has been drinking. Don’t we all have something like that in our lives? We are never content with being just who we are, we’re always wanting to change something. We all have a nervous tick.

Nic Sheff, Author of We All Fall Down, Interview: Part 1 of 2 | The Partnership at Drugfree.org

Nic Sheff, Author of We All Fall Down, Interview: Part 1 of 2 The Partnership at Drugfree.org Please read this article! This is something I am very passionate about...

mind reading.

I am merely a watcher. A listener. A studier.

I enjoy observing those around me and getting myself engulfed inside their minds.

What hardships have they had? How many times have they been in love?

Where did they develop those wrinkles from laughing and inherit scars from crying?

When I was seventeen I use to believe I could read minds; sometimes I still feel as though I can.

You know the feeling, right?

Nothing exists to you in that moment other than their thoughts.

Their insecurities, fears, mistakes, happiness, turmoil, sincerity…

Would it be a blessing to have this gift?

Or would it be miserable?

You could know anything you wanted about everyone…

But you would also find out their deepest secrets.

How would you handle it if someone could always read your thoughts?

I for one am not very proud of the things I think sometimes.

First Words

Here is it, another new blog... I believe this is my 10th blog floating around now between BlogSpot and tumblr. However, I love them all equally. I love to write. I'm not very great at it, and I get distracted easily, but nonetheless I love it. This current blog I have just created is meant to be a place where I can release and write my opinions and feelings on different topics. Some of it may be harmful, but I want it to challenge me. If you are offended easily by others than following this particular blog is probably not for you. My intentions are not meant to offend people - but it still may happen.

For my first topic I would like to discuss the trashy yet alluring world of... Facebook. We've all said it before but it's turned into the new MySpace. You can even have profile banners now! But what I really want to talk about is it's fascinating hold that it has to us; and I know we all suffer from it. I'll admit it, I'm addicted. I wake up in the morning and while I'm laying in bed I'm checking Facebook, as I pull into my work parking lot I'm checking Facebook, before I even leave my work to go on lunch I'm checking Facebook, as soon as I head home from work I'm checking it, and once I get home I'm glued to Facebook all night..

The sad thing is, I'm not even doing anything pertaining to status updates or uploading photos. I'm just simply lurking others profiles - reading the witty things they post, checking out their wedding photos or adorable pictures of a new puppy. I have so many people added on Facebook that I could not tell you what classes I had in High School with them however I could inform you of their first child’s name, their cats name, and probably their aunts name. Can you imagine if I was actually some terrible person that would use this easily obtained knowledge to my advantage? It's so easy for people to find out your whole life story by just one glance at your profile.

And onto my next concern... I always wonder if all of the people I know that post drunken updates all throughout the day and night, have family added on Facebook. I for one would be mortified to have my parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, neighbors, read something like that. As the saying goes, "that's what Twitter is for" haha. Not to mention all of the underage drinking photos that get posted after every weekend, have these people ever thought of an Undercover Cop being one of their Facebook 'friends'? I guess not. Because every weekend without fail, there they are, being posted once again.

Finally, my last thought is - does dressing that trashy in your profile photo really make some guy want to be with you? He may want to sleep with you, so if you're not looking for anything long term either than I guess continue posting them! And I just love the girls that post status' such as, "all my guy friends want to do is f*%# me, I'm so sick of it". Wow... for one, does anyone care? Secondly, maybe if you didn't act that way, people wouldn't treat you that way. Am I right? What happened to girls having self-respect for themselves?

Facebook has caused us to lose so much respect in each other - we fight over catty comments, we judge ourselves based on how many comments someone gets on a photo compared to us, and we snicker at those who post things and have no idea what they're talking about... it's a cruel world, and for some strange reason we love to be a part of it.

-Brittni