I'm stuck.

All of my life I've had an idea of what I wanted, where I wanted to live, how I wanted to act... but as of lately, I have been completely clueless. Since August my residency has been in two different apartments, in two different cities, and again I am moving at the end of this month, back to my home in another city. But I don't feel like my home is a 'home' to me at all. I am a complete 180 of my siblings and parents; we have no similarities. When I am at home I don't feel creative, I don't feel artistic. I feel like I'm in a prison (sorry mom).

There's no way to even pin-point why I see things that way, I just do. It's not teen angst or rebellion, I just simply don't find the axis of my existence here. Personally, I thought moving to Salt Lake and being nearer to the one that held my heart would shed some light on this absence. That wasn't it either. I've felt homeless. When you live somewhere for only 3 or 5 months at a time, it's hard to make it feel like your home.

I don't know where to go or how to get to this place that will help me feel complete. I am at a loss. Neither West Haven or Salt Lake is my home. I suppose I just haven't yet found my home or my hearts peacefulness.

What would it take for you to give up everything around you? Think of it. Everything. Good morning kisses, orange and yellow leaves on the ground in the fall, hearing a familiar “hello” on the other line… all of that would be gone. So back to my question, what would it take? Sometimes people give up their lives for a career, give up family for drugs, throw away a love for a chance at success. And who decides if it is right or wrong? No one has the ability or authority to place the blame. None of us. For some, they are filled more with passion and joy when they are finalizing a loan or obtaining a new client.

The success becomes their friends and family; others don’t feel whole without 4 children and a husband running around. I, on the other hand, struggle to find the balance between everything I enjoy. The happy ‘medium’ between family, love, career, hobbies, friends, personal downtime… How many times are you faced with that challenge? It’s a Friday night and on your plate you’ve got: A) A family birthday party B) Your anniversary C) A friends Bachelorette Party D) A work party and E) Your favorite band is in town playing a show. Which do you choose? No matter what the decision someone’s feelings are hurt, someone is left offended. There is no ideal situation and people will still spend their entire lifetime looking for it.

I recently finished reading the book “We All Fall Down” by Nic Sheff, the sequel to “Tweak”. In the book Nic talks about his addiction to methamphetamines and how the only time he feels whole is when he is using; the only time he feels confident is when he is high or has been drinking. Don’t we all have something like that in our lives? We are never content with being just who we are, we’re always wanting to change something. We all have a nervous tick.

Nic Sheff, Author of We All Fall Down, Interview: Part 1 of 2 | The Partnership at Drugfree.org

Nic Sheff, Author of We All Fall Down, Interview: Part 1 of 2 The Partnership at Drugfree.org Please read this article! This is something I am very passionate about...

mind reading.

I am merely a watcher. A listener. A studier.

I enjoy observing those around me and getting myself engulfed inside their minds.

What hardships have they had? How many times have they been in love?

Where did they develop those wrinkles from laughing and inherit scars from crying?

When I was seventeen I use to believe I could read minds; sometimes I still feel as though I can.

You know the feeling, right?

Nothing exists to you in that moment other than their thoughts.

Their insecurities, fears, mistakes, happiness, turmoil, sincerity…

Would it be a blessing to have this gift?

Or would it be miserable?

You could know anything you wanted about everyone…

But you would also find out their deepest secrets.

How would you handle it if someone could always read your thoughts?

I for one am not very proud of the things I think sometimes.