What is home?

I’m moving home. . .

For many that might not seem too bad or like a blessing to save on rent;

But my home is 50 miles from where I live now.

My home is away from my love and away from my new friends I’ve made.

My home is away from one of the cities I love so much and the energy I’ve always craved.

And still, I’m moving home.

And I am not excited.

I am depressed.

I’ve been with my love almost every morning & night for the last 5 months.

And nearly every other day for 4 months before that.

The year prior to we only met up twice a week.

Cramming everything about ourselves into the weekend.

Hoping to keep alive the flame in a long-distance relationship.

Some say an hour isn’t too far.

That is those that don’t have events planned every evening I suppose.

I can’t believe it though; I’m moving home.

I don’t want to go.

I don't know.

Yeah? No? I don’t know… I just don't know.

I keep pushing away old lives,

But I don’t know which direction they’re going in,

Together drowning with them in a tub of insecurity,

Soap smothering my eyes blinding me.

We’re taught certain tasks,

They must be fulfilled to feel fulfilled,

But I don’t feel successful,

Being someone I wouldn’t enjoy to know.

I’d like to have a studio,

Where together we could watch our talents grow,

As long as I am able to read,

That would keep my mind freed.

scrattered thoughts on attachment

Why am I so comfortable with the idea of being engaged to someone but not married to them? Engagement is only going to lead to marriage. But for some reason I just feel too young and too immature to have a home and a husband and a mortgage and to cook, clean, do dishes, plan events… none of that appeals to me. Simply the idea alone gives me anxiety. Do I not feel worthy? No, I don’t think that’s it. Part of me suggests that I’m embarrassed of all it entitles – doing married “things”, having to eventually be a mother, throw birthday parties. I don’t want to be a mother. I don’t want to be a mother. But I don’t know yet if I want to be a wife either; I just want to be a fiancé.

I’ve always been this way though, right? I was always afraid of the “attachment” and of telling my family I was dating someone; I’m glad I lived my younger years this way though… I feel as though I didn’t go through the drama most did. But am I wrong ? I have so, so many friends that just can’t “wait” to have their boyfriends last name. It honestly makes me want to throw up and tell those girls that they live for themselves and no boy should cause them to want to change that. What happened to girl power?

Dino's & Trains

Yesterday on twitter I asked for suggestions for topics to write on; my dear, dear friend (and local celebrity) Tate McCallum-Law suggested I write about dinosaurs and trains (which looking back on my Twitter I just realized he said alligators and trains, oh well). So here I am- writing about dinosaurs and trains… Pretty much ever since I was little I’ve always loved trains! I thought – and still think – they’re one of the coolest inventions! Dinos though? Not so much. I mean yes I’m a sucker for Jurassic Park and I think it would be amazing to see one in real life, but I don’t think I would be able to properly fall asleep afterwards for a long, long time. I remember constant reoccurring dreams of dinosaurs existing in this present time; we all lived in incredibly high apartments to stay away from the dinosaurs. No one was allowed outside or to even peak out of the windows.

What deeper meanings could both of these have though? I decided to do some research for myself… for trains, there are quite a few interesting and different meanings. To see a train in your dream, represents conformity. You are just going along with what everyone else is doing. To see a freight train it refers to the burdens and problems that you are hauling around.  If you see a passenger train, then it relates to mental work. If you see or play with a model train in your dream, then it indicates that you want more control and power over your own life and where it is headed.  To dream that you are on a train, symbolizes your life's journey. It suggests that you are on the right track in life and headed in the right direction.  To see or dream that you are in a train wreck, suggests chaos. To dream that you are the engineer, signifies that you are in complete control of a particular situation in your waking life. To dream that you miss a train, denotes missed opportunities. I had no idea about any of this… it’s very cool how even just a simple dream of riding on a train can mean something so coincidental in your life!

Now let’s look up dinosaurs… To see a dinosaur in your dream, symbolizes an outdated attitude. To dream that you are being chased by a dinosaur, indicates your fears of no longer being needed or useful. Alternatively, being chased by a dinosaur, may reflect old issues that are still coming back to haunt you. Strange! So what if you dream that you are riding on a train while being chased by a dinosaur? Does that mean you’re headed on the right direction in your life but that you haven’t let go of passed fears? Why do we even have to have an ‘explanation’ of our dreams? I guess it just makes us feel better.

I find it kind of funny that both of these topics tie into fear – it reminds me of a great article that I read on KSL today (read it here: https://mail.americafirst.com/owa/redir.aspx?C=6398a940736c4e70bcaacb5e3c24e705&URL=http%3a%2f%2fwww.ksl.com%2findex.php%3fnid%3d1010%26sid%3d15413000 ). It talked about how we hold ourselves back, and not because we’re afraid that we’re inadequate but because we’re afraid of succeeding and creating a responsibility with that success. The logic of it is hilarious but when you really pick it apart it makes complete sense… I’m afraid of being great. Some days I would rather play around and do nothing when really my heart is desiring to build something beautiful – but my fear gets in the way.

Anyway, I don’t know how the topic of Dinosaurs and Trains turned into analyzing dreams… but I hope you enjoyed reading it! Don’t forget to check out my website and follow me on Twitter J

www.brittniwillie.com & www.twitter.com/brittniwillie